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1. Attentive listening: Giving someone your full, undivided attention as a listener can create a space that people experience only rarely in their lives. In the same way that when we hold people we attune ourselves to their breathing, their muscle tone and the details of their body using our bodies, listening deeply to the stories people tell, the words and the subtext, can offer people space to unfold in the presence of love, no less so than we can offer with our arms. Listen to someone powerfully enough and you can change their life far more than anything you could say or suggest to them. Deep listening can bring the speaker’s narrative to life in such a way that they finally hear their own story, sometimes for the first time. Some of my brothers I was able to “hug” just by sitting and listening to them and hearing the stories of where they’ve been and where life is taking them next.
2. Witnessing: People need to be seen to be real, in some sense. When babies smile, having a parent mirror their facial gestures back to them is crucial to their development. An example in older adults can be seen in psychotherapy: when a client displays affect or story that suggests sadness, if the therapist mirrors sadness on his or her face, that creates space for the client to venture more deeply into those feelings. It’s a way of “holding” the affect of the other person. Some of my younger brothers needed simply to be witnessed, to be seen, and I tried both in listening and in speaking to say to them, in one way or another: “I see who you are. I notice you.” I pointed out to one brother how humble and kind he seemed to be while noticing that he was constantly involved in service to others. I pointed out to another brother that he seemed driven and energized and particularly productive the last few months. Both brothers responded that in fact those things were values they held dear or attributes they had been working on. I saw that, and I just let them know I noticed. I felt like I’d made a connection to them and sat with them without using touch to do it.
3. Mentoring: A lot of the dynamics of a frat reunion, where there are older and younger guys, mimic dad/son relationships. Men often crave relationships with older, experienced guys they can look up to, ask questions of, and be seen by. One of the things we can do for each other, in both directions, is make up for stuff that our Dads either didn’t do, didn’t do in the right way, or didn’t do well enough. Those are powerful deficits that we can make a real contribution to, but this only works if the relationship is non-sexual. While very often the mentoring relationship involves a feeling of “crush” or strong affection in both directions, for the most part, mentoring relationships of the kind I’m describing fail completely if the sexual boundary is crossed. On the other hand these relationships can be powerful, almost as powerful as the father/son relationship itself, if appropriate boundaries are maintained, and if the affection and emotional pull generated is harnessed in the right ways.
4. Self–disclosure: Sharing something appropriate about yourself can be a way of holding space for other people. For example, at the right time and place, sharing “gosh, that’s something that I struggle with too” or “this is an area of life I find particularly difficult” will often open a floodgate in a group setting where, one by one, many other people will say, “wow, I’m so glad you mentioned that, because I struggle with this too.” Blanket self-disclosure or over-disclosure isn’t a very skillful practice, generally speaking, but if one can sensitively discern what the issues are in a particular group of men, then taking the lead on that can create space for others. If one senses in a group that many people are unhappily single, for example, then sharing information about your own recent divorce might make space for others. If one senses in a group that there are a variety of sexual orientations present, sharing one’s own bisexual orientation, for example, might make more space for everyone else.
5. Modeling: younger men subconsciously pick up the behavior of older men and copy it, even if they’re not aware of it. Taking pains with ones’ own behavior–for example, being inclusive, or being non-violent, or being affirming–is a way of holding the potential in younger men for the same behavior. Act out your highest, best self, and you create space for, and hold, the highest, best self in the person you are holding, with or without touch.
6. Affirmation: so much emphasis in our society goes towards the negative: we have a “self-improvement” section in most bookstores, but I have yet to see a single “gratitude” section. What’s up with that? Most guys have long lists of things about themselves that they’re working on, but if you asked them, “what is your greatest strength,” they’d have to think about it and get back to you. I found it very powerful this week to say to a younger brother, “You’re really great at setting people at ease and welcoming them; the way you used your sense of humor to diffuse that conflict was amazing.” Or, “I notice that you’re a big, strong guy but you’re very gentle in your manner with other people. I think that’s really beautiful, and rare. I admire that.” Cataloging peoples’ weaknesses is rarely a recipe for improvement, while noticing and acknowledging what makes a person special and worthwhile can energize someone for weeks afterwards.

Ironically, by the end of the week, as fatigue set in, resistance was down and people became more comfortable with each other, there was lots and lots of hugging in my frat, mostly bro-hugs but some real, connected hugs as well. Regardless of whether we do or don’t use touch, there are lots of different ways to hold people to whom we intend to offer love, warmth, and unconditional acceptance. I was really happy to hold my brothers again, whether I used my arms, my ears, my eyes, or my psyche. It was a great but exhausting week.

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Touch Practice is a sacred practice for me, and part of that is keeping confidences sacred. While a name and e-mail address are required to post a comment, feel free to use just your first name, or a pseudonym if you wish. Your e-mail address will never be seen by or shared with anyone. It is used to prevent spam and inappropriate comments from appearing in the blog. I’d really like to hear from you!