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I think all of us, unless we are very lucky or very insightful or both, probably have had at least one experience of either overestimating or underestimating our “size” relative to the rest of the world. We think of ourselves as more (or less) powerful than we really are; more (or less) beautiful than we are; more (or less) responsible for someone else’s experience than we are, and on and on.

Perhaps you had, as I did growing up, two different friends. One was a lovely person that everyone thought was charming, but she continually underestimated herself socially. She seemed to think, “gosh, why would anyone want to talk to little old me? I’m just not that interesting.” She was bigger in everyone else’s eyes than she was in her own.

Then there was the guy who was totally convinced he was the center of the universe, Mr. Confidence, certain that the world was ready to fall in love with him. Everyone else wasn’t actually as wild about him as he might have imagined, but it didn’t slow him down at all.

Maybe you even experienced, as I did, these two different characters as different sides of yourself, different faces of your coin.

I like the way Scott Peck defines the difference between neurosis and psychosis. One way of looking at these categories is as under/overestimates of responsibility. A neurotic takes too much responsibility for his world and figures that he is responsible for other peoples’ experience. A psychotic, on the other hand, takes too little responsibility and holds everyone else responsible for her own experience.

There are extreme examples of oversizing. The person who believes he speaks directly to God and has inside knowledge that the Earth will end on (fill in the date.) (The day after, as he wakes up and reads the morning paper, he is inevitably rightsized.) Any one of a variety of “chosen people” who believe they, alone, are loved by God and entitled to special privileges. Public officials who believe they are beyond the laws that effectively govern everyone else (I’m thinking Congress here.)

And there are extreme examples of undersizing. The example that comes first to mind is the tragic case of a teenager who takes his own life, convinced that he is unloved and unlovable, unable to receive or to understand the degree to which he is precious, cherished and treasured by his family and friends.

Bodywork is one of the ways we rightsize ourselves. Bodywork, prolonged physical contact, whether clinical massage, Touch Practice, or any other form of bodywork, cannot succeed in the long run without two relatively equal partners who each have a sense of themselves as “half” of a relationship. Bodywork is one of the best, quickest, and most effective means in my life of rightsizing myself relative to the people around me.

I just came from a massage, where I was reminded that massage is a form of partnership. You can’t lie there passively and get a great massage (this from a guy who was terrified of massage 8 years ago and has since committed to twice monthly!) You have to breathe into the difficult places. You have to communicate. You have to work with the masseur almost like a dance, your body and his body, working in rhythm.

I can’t do my best work in Touch Practice with a partner who isn’t willing to become a partner, and I also can’t do my best work if I insist on being “the teacher.” The best Touch Practice sessions feature me as the student and my partner as someone who knows a lot more than he thinks he knows. He gets rightsized in the process, and so do I.

When I look at the history of people being “wrongsized,” famously wrongsized, (think “Hitler,” “The Inquisition,” “Richard Nixon,” “Vanilla Ice,” “Leona Helmsley”) it’s never physical; it’s always an intellectual construct. We get wrongsized because we get wrongsized in our minds. We do it in our psychology, our theology, our politics, but in short, we get wrongsized in our minds, never in our bodies.

Our bodies always know. The body never lies. Bodies will always rightsize you if you connect to yours, connect it to someone else’s, and practice.

That’s it for tonight. I’m exhausted from overeating. Time to downsize. *laughing….. Seriously, have a GREAT New Year, wherever you may be and however you choose to celebrate. With a hug, Kevin Smith

There are roughly five spaces still available in the Spring 2014 Asheville retreat!

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Touch Practice is a sacred practice for me, and part of that is keeping confidences sacred. While a name and e-mail address are required to post a comment, feel free to use just your first name, or a pseudonym if you wish. Your e-mail address will never be seen by or shared with anyone. It is used to prevent spam and inappropriate comments from appearing in the blog. I’d really like to hear from you!