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This blog follows from an exquisite Touch Practice last Friday where, after only a few minutes had passed, I had the sense that I was with a close friend that I had not seen for a very long time. My partner reported a similar experience, a sense of immediate trust that was not created or earned, bur rather, recognized.

While every Touch Practice is unique because of the two people who create it, this experience is not at all uncommon in Touch Practice. In fact, it happens all the time. I want to theorize today about what causes this. What’s happening here? What causes this sensation of “instant friendship” or, as some describe it, a sense that they have reconnected with a long-lost brother, someone they knew a hundred years ago and have found again, someone they have often imagined but not yet met?

Once in Touch Practice I was sitting with a man who, about 30 minutes into the practice, suddenly opened his eyes, and with a great big smile exclaimed, “oh my God, I remember you! I remember you!” A minute later, with a look of confusion on his face, he said, “I’m sorry, I’m not exactly sure why I just said that.”

I think I know.

It occurs to me that what we are experiencing in Touch Practice cannot possibly be something we are creating, making or doing. It is not possible, in my experience, to create, in 30 minutes, a relationship where I feel as though I trust the other person with my life. It’s not enough time for creating.

Relationships take a long time to build. It’s not reasonable to think we can build a deeply intimate relationship in 30 minutes that exceeds what we’ve worked on with friends for periods of weeks or years, spending hundreds of hours talking, sharing, going out to dinner. How would it be possible to do that in less than an hour?

No, I don’t think we’re creating, making or doing anything.

What I think is happening is that we are recognizing we are already connected on the deepest level possible.

Look, I’m not the first person to suggest that all things are connected. That idea is the basis of many, many practices; it’s probably the central tenet of Buddhism and native American practices, to name but two of many. The idea that you are so deeply connected to your neighbor that it is impossible to harm him without harming yourself is hardly original thinking. I’m not making this up; I’m just reporting it.

However, for most of us, the idea that all things are connected is just a theory. It’s a nice idea. You don’t see “all things are connected” when Democrats and Republicans speak with each other in front of a camera, do you.  Do you?  Too much of the time, “all things are connected” is just a nice theory, something along the lines of “I should be perfect.”

The problem is, “all things are connected” is actually true. It’s one of the deepest, most pervasive truths possible. You can go through life ignoring “all things are connected” if you like, but you might as well go through life ignoring gravity. You’re going to have a lot of bruises either way.

Touch Practice does not create any relationship between men that doesn’t already exist. Rather, Touch Practice is a means of recognizing a connection that has already been established.

We are already intimate with each other. We already know each other on the deepest level possible. We are already connected to the insides of any man we come in contact with. Touch Practice is just a technique for stepping into that connection, and that’s why the connection will often happen instantly, in 5 or 10 minutes. For some people, it happens even before they’re in the room together. They know it will happen, they know it’s there, and they step into it. It’s like putting on a coat. There’s not actually anything to create, make, or do. There’s just remembering, recognizing.

When I step into the room with a stranger I have a slight advantage, because I have hundreds of practice hours with hundreds of partners under my belt, and the advantage is this:

A new partner will often come with a sense of doubt or skepticism, curious but hesitant, wondering, “how will this go? Will this be a good experience or a bad experience? Will I be able to feel comfortable with this guy, to connect to him?”

For me, for the most part, I usually come knowing that we’re already connected, assuming that as soon as we are ready, we will relax into each others’ arms with complete trust and ease. It’s not a matter of if it will happen, but simply, when. 

I come that way not because of anything I think I or my partner will do, but rather, because that’s the way things are. That’s the way things already exist. The moment two people are willing to step into that connection, it exists; it was created ahead of time, for them. It does not need to be made. It simply needs to be accessed.

In spiritual practice, what I’m describing fits the definition of “faith.”  When I walk into the room with a stranger I have total faith that we are going to find a deep, intimate caring connection with each other. I know that it’s true before I see it. I assume it will happen.

Now that’s not based on who I think I am, nor is it based on who I think he might be. It’s based on the fact that I am already connected to everything that exists. I walk into the room not hoping, but knowing. I go in looking for something that already exists, and simply needs to be spotted. Where is it? I know it’s here somewhere. Keep looking. Ah, there it is.

It is for this same reason that I know whomever shows up is going to be attractive to me. It’s not based on something he will do or be or make, nor is it based on some special power I have. It’s based on the fact that a connection already exists between us.

If you walk into the room assuming you already are deeply and intimately connected to the person who walks into the room with you, then it’s a piece of cake: all you have to do is keep looking until you find the connection. If you keep looking into the eyes of the man looking for the beauty that attracts you to each other, you will find it. If you can’t find it, you haven’t looked long enough, or hard enough, or in the right places or in the right ways. Keep looking. If you’re certain it’s there, then it’s just a matter of finding it.

There is nothing to be done in Touch Practice that has not already been done for us, in advance of our arrival. There is nothing required of us, no special magical powers, no superhuman feats of compassion, none of that crap.

All that is required is to step into the room and recognize the most basic of basic truths: you are beautiful and lovable, your brother is also, and all things are connected, already connected. You don’t need to build or make or create the connection. Just see it, and step into it.

Have thoughts you’d like to share?

Touch Practice is a sacred practice for me, and part of that is keeping confidences sacred. While a name and e-mail address are required to post a comment, feel free to use just your first name, or a pseudonym if you wish. Your e-mail address will never be seen by or shared with anyone. It is used to prevent spam and inappropriate comments from appearing in the blog. I’d really like to hear from you!