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I get a good amount of mail from people asking if Touch Practice can be used to change a person’s sexual orientation.

Comically, I get harsh accusations from some men alleging that I’m trying to turn perfectly “normal” straight guys (as they see it) into gay guys by holding them until they break down and give in. And then I get the same-sex-attraction guys on the other side hoping that if they get held without sex long enough, it will transform them into perfectly “normal” straight guys (as they see it.)

One group is worried that Touch Practice is turning straight men into gay men and the other group is praying that it can turn gay men into straight men. 

I love all of these guys. I do. Honestly, I adore them. I hold them all.

Here’s the thing: the power of Touch Practice lies in not needing to change anything about anyone. Touch Practice is the practice of sitting with someone exactly as he is. The minute we use Touch Practice to try to “move” someone in a direction, the power is lost, just as it is, for example, the minute you start “working” in meditation rather than simply focusing on the breath. Most people can hold a beautiful newborn baby without having to “do” anything to or change anything about that little being. To be present with other is enough. It is as much as there is.

Personally I do not believe that it is possible nor desirable nor necessary to change a person’s sexual orientation, but that does not keep me from loving, and sitting with, people who believe otherwise. Nor does it keep me from people who feel offended that I sit with people who believe otherwise. If Touch Practice is to be open to all men, if I’m going to follow the “I hold whomever comes” path, then just like all of my other opinionation about “too old, too young, too thin, too heavy, too hairy, too smooth, etc.” I have to hold my opinionation about sexual orientation and belief with a very light grasp.

This creates a very interesting environment. I’ve had Touch Practice group workshops composed of men who hold many different opinions about sexual orientation. In most cases they can’t tell each other apart. Unless something specific is shared after the workshop or outside of practice hours regarding a person’s beliefs or practices, all men look alike in Touch Practice. It’s not possible to tell the gay men and the straight men apart, not to mention all the men who fall somewhere in between.

Regardless of this interesting difference around whether or not sexual orientation can be changed, I have learned one thing that I stand on: it is when we stop trying to change that radical transformation becomes possible. When I stop trying to change you and simply become present to you exactly as you are, exactly as I am, then our relationship will change radically. When I accept myself completely–what Tara Brach called Radical Self Acceptance–I will begin on a path of radical transformation. It will not be possible for me to remain the same.

The heart of change is stillness. The heart of transformation is presence with what is, not with what we wish or want or would rather, but what is.

Trying to change yourself, whether your orientation or something else, is like wanting to take a bus trip from Cleveland to Chicago–while currently living in Memphis. The person sits and thinks all day about that trip from Cleveland to Chicago, imagining it, willing it into existence. The problem, of course, is that he will never get on that bus. He can’t. The Cleveland–Chicago bus doesn’t leave from Memphis. There’s no way to begin.

Get on the bus. Get on whichever bus you’re on, and take a seat, and get comfortable there. It doesn’t matter where the bus is, what it looks like, what it’s called, how comfortable it is right now; if you simply get on and sit down, you’ll move.

If you spend all your time thinking about busses leaving other cities? Exactly that. There are hundreds of busses leaving hundreds of cities every day, and you won’t be on a single one of them. Ride the bus you’re on, and you’ll be amazed where you go.

Happy Valentine’s Day to the hundreds of men I love, and to all Men Who Love Men in all of the diverse and varied ways in which we love. What matters is that we love each other.

Have thoughts you’d like to share?

Touch Practice is a sacred practice for me, and part of that is keeping confidences sacred. While a name and e-mail address are required to post a comment, feel free to use just your first name, or a pseudonym if you wish. Your e-mail address will never be seen by or shared with anyone. It is used to prevent spam and inappropriate comments from appearing in the blog. I’d really like to hear from you!