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A FASCINATING conversation has come up this week in corresponding with a number of readers, as well as workshop organizers in several cities, about Touch Practice. The basic essence of that conversation is: “so, you’re sending a double message. Is it naked or is it not naked?”

One writer wrote, very articulately and succinctly:

“I do have a concern about your materials. I loved the most recent blog on “Thats great can we have sex now“. Very well thought out clearly shows your passion for the work and your commitment to safety and intention. However, I feel your materials are sending a mixed message. For example: the announcement for the Asheville retreat shows a photo of a nude man with open arms; yet the workshop description clearly states that it is not a naked workshop. There are other such photos on blogs, articles for touch practice that show a nude couple. Most of the photos the couples are clothed. Just saying that I am perceiving a mixed message and perhaps others are as well.  Thank you for the work you are doing and I look forward to meeting you in person.”

Touch Practice blurs lots of lines. The line between straight and gay is blurred to the point where we ultimately recognize that line is baloney; the world doesn’t really exist that way. Once we blur that line we recognize that a man can have his testicles examined by a doctor and not have it be an erotic experience in any way, while at the same time, two fully clothed people can have an intensely erotic experience without touching at all. The old “naked=intimate, clothed=platonic” assumption breaks down very, very fast once one starts paying attention.

Touch Practice adapts to fit the needs of the men who are partnering each other. When I first started doing Touch Practice, before it was called Touch Practice, back when I called it my “hugging thing,” it was definitely a goal to get naked with someone. It didn’t feel like a “success” unless we ended up naked. There was a definite drive towards naked practice, and I categorized naked practices as more intense, more intimate, and ultimately more meaningful than non-naked practices. I was sadly ignorant. I simply hadn’t had enough experiences to know. Now I know that I can “hold” someone intimately without even touching them, let alone needing to get naked with them. It’s about intention, presence, and energetics, much more than it is about the level of clothing.

When I am holding a partner who was sexually abused as an 8 year old, and I am holding him in his clothes, and allowing him to feel loved and close and intimate and safe, why in God’s holy name would I pressure him to come out of his clothes? Why would I seek to recreate that nightmare for him all over again? I have the opportunity to provide something for him that he missed years ago, to go back and redo something that was done wrong. Why on earth would I want to pressure someone in that situation to come out of his clothing?

And suppose I never really KNEW that my partner came from that background; suppose he didn’t declare it up front. What then? What about the pressure towards naked practice? How do we know for certain we will “do no harm” in that situation? We can’t. For some people, Touch Practice is right, very, very right, in clothing, without nakedness, creating the safety and warmth that we would want to feel as children in our pajamas: close, loving, no nakedness, no genital touch. Clear as day.

Conversely: the person who has had to hide his sexuality all of his life to the point where he has lost touch with his erotic nature? The person who had to feel embarrassed every time he had an erection, every time his body responded naturally, beautifully and organically to what is attractive and desirable? Why in God’s holy name should we make such a person continue to hide himself by insisting that the genitals be covered at all times, never be acknowledged, never be touched? To hold and validate such a person and his experience is no less earthshaking than to hold and validate the abused child. But compassion and presence is crafted one at a time, custom-built, different for each person. What is manna for one is poison for the other. Touch Practice cannot be a one-size-fits-all practice, any more than compassion can be. Compassion is built one person at a time in response to that person, and so is the modality of holding and touch.

I sometimes become on the verge of impatient or annoyed with people who think in black-and-white terms about naked/non-naked and erotic/non-erotic practices, but my impatience and annoyance is really with myself. It’s projected. It is an acknowledgment that for many, many years I did not understand what I understand now, and I did not practice what I practice now. Understanding and practice take time. And patience. And a certain inevitable amount of wisdom and aging.

Touch Practice defies categorization, at least in my own experience. It is not an intentionally erotic practice like Tantra or Body Electric; it is not an intentionally non-erotic practice like clinical massage. It has elements of energetic practice like Reiki; it has postures similar to yogic asanas; it has pieces of all of those things while being none of those things. Touch Practice is an infinitely malleable practice that is constructed one man at a time. At its best, it is the physical embodiment of compassion, a physical acting-out of kindness. Beyond that, I have to revert to the spiritual practice of “I don’t know.”

Warm holiday greetings to all of you everywhere. Tomorrow at noon, the days begin to get longer and we begin our journey towards summer! Warm hugs to all!

We are now about 60 percent full for the Spring 2014 Asheville retreat!

Click here for more information!

Have thoughts you’d like to share?

Touch Practice is a sacred practice for me, and part of that is keeping confidences sacred. While a name and e-mail address are required to post a comment, feel free to use just your first name, or a pseudonym if you wish. Your e-mail address will never be seen by or shared with anyone. It is used to prevent spam and inappropriate comments from appearing in the blog. I’d really like to hear from you!