Beyond Belief: Part One
This topic is too thick and thorny for one blog post, so I’ll be addressing it in several parts over the next weeks. We men believe many different, and conflicting, things about sexual orientation. Some men believe that to be oriented towards anything other than women represents dysfunction, unhealth, or sin. Others believe there are all kinds of healthy, natural and God-given orientations which include same-sex and bi-sexual orientations.
And while there are some facts on the matter, there are relatively few. We have many more beliefs than we have facts, regardless of which side of the argument you are on. Sexuality is extraordinarily complex and difficult to categorize factually, because science, and the experimental model we currently use, depends on repeatable results, and each person’s sexuality is unique. While we have a little bit of data, what we have is mostly belief, belief which comes from our own personal experience, the way we view the world, and the way we try to make sense of things.
Even on critical questions like whether people are born with a specific sexual orientation, acquire orientation, choose orientation, or a combination, we have more beliefs than facts. Under such conditions, we are subject to a phenomenon called confirmation bias. Humans don’t consider all available facts before forming an opinion; we actually do just the opposite. When we have a strong belief, then we simply keep looking for the particular facts which confirm our already-existing beliefs. We favor one type of “fact” and ignore all others.
You can see a great example of confirmation bias in the way people do Biblical interpretation. Each person can find verses that confirm something they want to prove as “God’s will,” and anyone who knows the Bible well at all knows there are equal numbers of other verses that we now disregard for a variety of reasons. Each of us would have a different list of which verses should be interpreted literally, and which have to be “understood in a different cultural context.” That’s confirmation bias.
Now, it’s fine for us to believe different things. You can believe anything you want, and nothing you believe will harm me, as long your belief stays inside your head. You can believe you’re the Easter Bunny, privately, without it affecting my life at all. However, when beliefs find their way into behaviors, then we have the potential to impact each other, sometimes in harmful ways.
If Adolf Hitler had kept his beliefs (that Jews were inferior and unworthy) to himself, without ever expressing those beliefs, it is unlikely that the millions would have died. Even if he had spoken those beliefs aloud with the intent of convincing others to believe the same thing, that, by itself, is still unlikely to have killed. At some point the belief, which was, after all, just a belief, a wild, unsubstantiated belief, manifested in behavior. No one would be able to pinpoint that exact moment; but at some place in time, at that point where belief inspired behavior, it began to kill people. And it killed millions.
I have recently come into conversations with men from a variety of organizations which aim to help men deal with what they call “unwanted same-sex attraction.” I have deeply conflicted feelings, and concern, about such groups. However, the individual men I have been in conversation with have shown themselves to be respectful, caring, articulate, and, as far as I can tell, quite sincere. I have experienced them as making an effort to be loving and gracious in conversation. While my feelings on some matters may differ from some of theirs, I carry my practice for all men, so I consider these men no less my brothers, and in fact I feel fondness and care for them. I approach them, and this conversation, with respect and reverence, and a prayer for grace. It is difficult for us to talk with each other about this. I don’t want to make it more so.
I hold some of these men physically in my practice. Some of the men I hold are trying to see if they can feel more comfortable as gay men, while others are trying to work themselves away from feeling sexual attraction towards men. Some of the men I hold are just plain confused and don’t know exactly, yet, what to think. All of these men are my brothers, and my commitment is the same to all of them. If my practice is a practice of acceptance and non-judgment, then how can I exclude those with different beliefs from mine? I can’t.
I acknowledge that each man is free to work out his sexuality in his own way, and thus there is a place for men who voluntarily want to move away from what they call “unwanted feelings” towards men. While I personally feel there are important things to consider as to why these feelings might be “unwanted” (such as internalized homophobia) I acknowledge the right of each man to proceed with these questions in a different way. But I have one limit.
I cannot support any group which expresses, implies or tolerates the view that there’s something wrong with men who are attracted to men, and I hold some of these groups partially responsible for the thousands of teenage suicides each year by young gay men who got the message that it was “not ok” for them to feel what they feel.
“Unwant” your own feelings, if you choose, but don’t interfere with others trying to get comfortable in the bodies (and the orientations) they find themselves in. By your deeds and your words (statements are behaviors, not beliefs) you can either help gay and lesbian kids find acceptance, nurture and support in this world, or you can encourage them to jump off of bridges. Believe what you want, but be careful about what leaves your lips and what you model, because gay and lesbian children are watching and listening; they may believe what you tell them, and it may be a matter of life or death for some of them. I cannot condone violence towards young people, and some of these groups I consider to be nothing more than hate speech in disguise.
However: a few of these groups are careful to include, in their mission statements, language that includes and affirms all men, that takes a “no homophobia” stance for the organization, and that makes clear a standard for behavior, including statements, so that gay and lesbian people are affirmed and respected along with all other people. I still feel mildly uncomfortable with such groups, because every reputable medical, psychological and social work association has asserted that sexual orientation cannot be changed, and that attempts to do so could be harmful to individuals. However, I respect the right of all men to work out their own complicated sexuality with integrity, care, and respect for others.
And now to the heart of the matter: I sometimes have to do Touch Practice workshops in groups of men where a happily gay man might be standing next to someone who believes being gay is a sin. And on the other side of him might be a person who is genuinely confused and doesn’t know what to believe.
How do we manage to all be in the same room and do the work together? How do men with opposing beliefs find a way to hold each other?
See you next week with part two. Blessings and good intentions to all of my brothers, regardless of what you believe.
Have thoughts you’d like to share?
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I am currently in a graduate program for a doctorate in Biochemistry. Needless to say, as a gay male and a scientist of course I have been interested in learning more about sexuality from all perspectives, particularly what science can say about it.
To lend my own perspective of studies, a few chromosomes have a few genes that seem to be linked to sexuality. But research has yet to find anything that constitutes as a “gay gene” and like most things in life the good ole’ question
“Is it nature, or is it nurture?” is once again, not quite broad enough to include what evidence is pointing towards, which is that its bits of both.
Especially since geneticists have come to the realization that your Genes are not set in stone, but very flexible as to their expression based on your environment. A person will have a range of how tall they will be, but their food, and environment shape if they will end up on the taller or shorter range of what their DNA can accommodate.
Same seems to be true about sexuality. Its a series of complex series of genes and interactions that can’t be simplistically defined or predicted. Which, (shocker!) is just like actual people!
To add my personal opinion, after spending some time researching what is out there on the biology of sexuality, I came to reading some opinions about how maybe the best idea isn’t the default “its not my fault, its my DNA” but that, it doesn’t matter about the details, or excuses for being any certain way, but that its irrelevant to finding the reasoning behind why I/you/they are gay, because its not a bad thing to be.
Either way, for what its worth, I affirm Kevins statements about the biology of sexuality. It’s certainly true, that we as a people hold far more beliefs and opinions on how it comes to be, then actual scientific knowledge that has any proof, following that confirmation bias is extremely strong in regards to sexuality.
JD: thanks for these thoughtful comments. You hit the nail on the head, for me, in pointing out that the “reason” some men are gay becomes largely irrelevant if we understand that gay is neither better nor worse than any other sexual orientation, of which there are many possible. If we invested the same amount of time, energy and emotion into researching why some people like coffee and some like tea it would strike us as utterly ridiculous–unless drinking tea were framed by society as an evil, a morally inferior choice–in which case we’d probably see the same kind of “science” (confirmation bias) reported. All sorts of people would be motivated to do all sorts of research and propose ‘curative’ therapies for those people who secretly like to sip tea when they have the chance.
http://mobile.courant.com/p.p?a=rp&m=b&_fromSocial=1&postUserId=47&postId=1431275
This is a recent article that was published in our local paper. I am consistently surprised to see that religious groups continue to spiritually harm our brothers and sisters. I often wonder what is so threatening about homosexuality to religious groups?
I believe that Christian groups are not hurting anybody if someone wants to change .I have had gay friends tell me i was a traitor because i didn’t want to live this lifestyle anymore.Also who said someone can’t change their sexuality that is what society says.
Hello my dear brother John:
First, I am sorry that you had the experience of being called “traitor” by your friends. That’s hurtful, and my heart goes out to you and all others who have been hurt by intolerance on either side of this misunderstanding. It is true that non-gay people have sometimes been called names, or been treated less than kindly, by gay people simply because their sexual orientation is other than gay.
On the other hand, I must point out that this is not a symetrical situation: throughout history, gay people by the hundreds of thousands have been tortured, maimed, and killed by straight people. I am not aware of a single situation where a mob of gay people has killed a straight person for being straight. There has been suffering on both sides, but there has been a significant amount of death and torture on one side in particular.
With regard to your categorizing being gay as a “lifestyle,” this is not really an element of this particular topic. John, what would it take for you to stop living a “Black Lifestyle?” If I asked you that, you might look at me and say, “what a remarkably ignorant man you are.” And it would be true, for there is no black lifestyle. Blacks are Republicans and Democrats, wealthy and poor, generous and stingy, promiscuous and monogamous, just as Whites are. Blacks are deeply religious and atheists, community leaders and criminals, great parents and child abusers, just as Whites are. The phrase “Black lifestyle” is as meaningless as the phrase “gay lifestyle” for the same reason. Gays, like Blacks, Whites, and non-gay people, have exactly the same lifestyles as everyone else does. The relevant topic here is not lifestyle choices, but rather orientation, which to a gay person is as omnipresent as race is to a black person.
Can someone change their orientation? Here are some links that will provide some additional factual information for you. This link, http://www.religioustolerance.org/hom_expr.htm , provides a great wealth of information. For starters, here is a short list of professional medical and psychological organizations which feel that “reparative therapy,” efforts to change a person’s sexual orientation, can be harmful:
American Academy of Pediatrics
American Counseling Association
American Federation of Teachers
American Medical Association
American Psychiatric Association
American Psychological Association
The Interfaith Alliance
National Association of School Psychologists
National Association of Social Workers
National Association of Secondary School Principals
National Education Association
New Ways Ministries
People for the American Way.
In addition, the American Psychological Association statement here, http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/aug/06/apa-repudiates-reparative-therapy-for-gays/ , indicates that research suggests that efforts to produce change in sexual orientation could be harmful, inducing depression and suicidal tendencies. Here too is quite a large report from the APA called Appropriate Therapeutic Responses to Sexual Orientation at http://www.apa.org/pi/lgbt/resources/therapeutic-response.pdf.
When you say “society says” that people can’t change their sexual orientation, I’m not sure which portion of society you’ve polled, but the portion of society that I have researched (American Academy of Pediatrics, American Counseling Association, American Federation of Teachers, American Medical Association, American Psychiatric Association, American Psychological Association, The Interfaith Alliance, National Association of School Psychologists, National Association of Social Workers, National Association of Secondary School Principals, National Education Association, New Ways Ministries, People for the American Way) would appear to feel differently.
I appreciate your writing in; I am your brother, and I am committed both to loving you, and to speaking the truth. Be well, Kevin Smith
Kevin, The more I read of these blog posts the deeper into my soul sinks my appreciation of your modelling–living, being an example of–the further reaches of integrity combined with compassion. In this way, over and over, I am deeply touched without being physically held by you. I feel held and nurtured as I begin to see my own potential for such integrity and empathetic, compassionate presence. Thank you!
Thank you James–very happy to have you along on this journey and grateful for your taking time to read my blogs.
Hi Robert, thanks for this link. The church’s efforts here are torn right down the middle; “holy” and “whole” come from the same root. We cannot be holy without being whole; we cannot take part of us forward, closer towards God, while leaving a significant and important part of what God made, our sexuality, in the next room. It’s an odd and curious approach, one which seems to fundamentally misunderstand the wholeness and integrity with which we are all made.
Brothers,
This is a fascinating topic to be sure. Allow me to first begin by stating that I believe everyone has the right, as a human being, to be free to be themselves. If I believe myself to be gay, I should (and do) have the freedom to be gay. If I believe myself to be heterosexual, I should (and do) have the freedom to be heterosexual. If I experience attraction to both genders for different reasons, should I not be allowed to explore these attractions in depth? As humans, freedom to be and to choose for one’s self is almost as important as breathing. It all starts when we, as toddlers, first learn to walk and explore the world around us.
I have nothing against gay people. In fact, I have rubbed shoulders with many fine fellows who are gay. I have a number of friends who identify as gay. My cousin is gay. I have learned great things from them.
I myself experience sexual attraction toward certain men. I also experience sexual attraction toward certain women. If I choose not to act on my attraction toward men, does that mean I am not being true to my real gay identity? If I choose not to act on my attraction toward women, does that mean I am not being true to my heterosexual identity? Am I supposed to just label myself as bisexual and be okay with that?
This is my internal truth: I am capable of experiencing intense sexual arousal while fantasizing about being sexual with a man. Yet, when I am getting authentic needs for male bonding met through brotherly means of caring touch, deep emotional fellowship, and shared recreation (Frisbee, anyone??), I can barely force myself to conjure up those same erotic homosexual feelings.
By the same token, when my male “love tank” is empty and I’m not in deep, close fellowship with my male friends, I can feel neutral and apathetic toward the notion of being sexual with a woman. However, when I am filled to the brim with non-sexual masculine lovin’ (through activities mentioned above), I feel myself internally to be more fully masculine in relation to women, and thus, my attraction toward certain women in my life significantly increases.
May I offer this: Gay / straight issues placed aside, my personal and internal truth is that my own sexuality fluctuates greatly. I also know internally that for me personally, significant deficits in my upbringing led toward my same-gender attraction and other-gender ambivalence. (I resonate with the notion that the complexities of sexuality are truly on a continuum, which may ebb and flow throughout one’s life, and which are affected by complex issues of nature AND nurture).
My story: I was born with a facial birth defect and did not experience adequate nurture and bonding with my mother as a result. Science proves in many instances that this early bonding with mother is critical to an infant’s sense of well being. Thus, there’s a feeling almost at a cellular level in my body that woman is unsafe. If I allow myself to bond completely to a woman, she could hurt me. By the same token, as a small boy, I had very high touch needs. My father, who suffered from severe lack of mothering, was uncomfortable providing touch to me. I thus grew up craving the touch and care from other males. When I hit puberty, this desire for affirmation and bonding with boys began to feel sexual. It was mixed up with confusing feelings of envy as well. I hit puberty very late (16) and I would fantasize about just being manly like the other boys. I also felt no girl would want to kiss my deformed face and that if I just could own the face of one of the handsome guys, I’d be okay. This created bunches of confusion inside me. Was I gay? What did the feelings of wanting to connect with other guys mean?
Long story short: I’ve never felt gay in the center of my being. Nearly all of my erotic night dreams are heterosexual in nature. I have undergone both reparative therapy as well as attended experiential weekends for men struggling with gender confusion issues. Brothers, not once have I experienced so-called hate speech from these groups. Instead, I’ve experienced deep love and concern from these men. I don’t even hear them stating they believe people who are gay need to change if their happy being gay. Many of them lived openly as gay men but ultimately realized that for them personally, it just didn’t work. Yet I have sensed no animosity from them toward the gay community.
Through these groups, I’ve learned valuable insights about my legitimate needs for authentic male relating and bonding (including touch!!), and my legitimate psychological fears regarding facing the feminine (which I’m still working on….). My truth is that the more I authentically bond with men in deeply personal, non-sexual ways, and the more I stretch myself toward facing my fears of becoming vulnerable with women, the more I become ME. and I LOVE it!
And so what exactly IS me? Label it what you will: gay, bi, straight, undecided….. all I know is that when I follow my current path I’m more authentic, more assertive, more vulnerable, more real. More happy, more centered.
I personally hate labels. I’d rather just be me. I’d rather just love other people, whoever they choose to be. I’d rather be free to choose who I choose to be.
One more thing: There is such a thing as “reverse discrimination.” Believe it or not, I have felt pressured by both gay and straight men with whom I’ve shared my story, that I must embrace my gay identity and become okay with it. If I internally felt I did have a gay identity, I would, I am sure, welcome this news with gladness! But I’m not gay. (And thus, it is argued by some, that I am simply in denial…. and thus, the debate continues….)
The one thing I know for sure is that I love other men, I need touch from other men, and I need their influence in my life. (Oh, I guess that was 3 things!)
Thanks for reading, guys!
Sincerely,
Paul
Paul, WOW. Thank you for the time it took to craft this response, and for sharing your story with such depth and detail. I really, really appreciate this. Sexuality, and orientation, is really complicated. The more I write about that, and speak with people about it, the more I realize it. Kevin
You are welcome, Kevin. It is a tremendous blessing to be understood on this forum.
@Paul: I so appreciate your story and perspective. The part that resonated and touched me the most was you final lines. These suggest the value of actually trusting your experience and being genuinely curious about where and how you feel pulled by desire and attraction. And trusting the undeniable truth of your body’s messages can be like a lighthouse in what can become quite the fog in our social brains that want to label, categorize, and judge. Thank you SO much.
@ Jeremy: the e-mail address you’ve provided doesn’t seem to be a valid e-mail address, and I’d like to contact you privately regarding one of your blog comments. Please use the ‘contact me’ link on my website to send an e-mail directly to me, and I’ll forward some information to you from another reader. Warm regards, kevin