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The End1

The End of the Story

7

One of the experiences of the spiritual path I am just beginning to understand is the aspect of “getting your buttons pushed.” You know what I’m talking about: someone who manages to get to you. Repeatedly. Incessantly.  Even when you’ve vowed in your mind that you’re not going to be stimulated in this particular way by this particular person on this particular topic ever again, somehow “Mom” or “My Boss” or “The Neighbor” manages to do it again. It’s over before you even realize it’s happening, and you walk away shaking your head, thinking, “now how did that happen, AGAIN?”

I once remember a meditation teacher of mine saying, “the role of the teacher in spiritual practice is to push your buttons,” that is, to find every button and push it repeatedly until there are no more active buttons to push, nothing reactive left. In terms of what this feels like inside, I have experienced it as “getting clear.”

During times of my life when I was more highly reactive to others, overly sensitive to criticism, hypervigilant about acceptance, praise, recognition, or rejection, exclusion and evaluation, I felt tossed and blown around by the opinions swirling about me. As those buttons have slowly gotten worn down from being pushed hundreds of times, I’ve had the sensation of getting clearer and cleaner inside, more able to set the course of my own boat without being unduly influenced by a disapproving glance or undue attention from someone else.

Ironically, this realization has elevated each of the annoying people in my life to the role of teacher. Thank you, oh annoying ones. Each of you has managed to find, and repeatedly push, a button, and that has served to teach me, leading me to a stronger, cleaner and clearer sense of who I am–who I really am, apart from everyone else’s opinions and judgments. Seriously, those who bring irritation often bring a gift, a flashlight shining on an area of interest, a grain of sand for the oyster. And not surprisingly I often look back on someone I experienced as “annoying” with an odd sense of appreciation and acceptance.

Another way of looking at these “buttons,” or perhaps a different angle for viewing them, is in the stories I write to set them up. One of the stories I used to write is “my boss doesn’t appreciate how hard I’m working.”  I realized, at one point in my life, I could look back on five or six bosses, all of whom I had rather testy relationships with, and see that in each relationship, I felt unappreciated. I was working harder than the boss ever acknowledged. I was giving 110 percent, and he or she never noticed. I rarely got thanked, but the minute there was a minor error in a press release, oh boy, did I hear about it.

I can see now, of course, that it was not my bosses who were creating this situation. It is highly unlikely that six completely unrelated people in different states working for different companies would somehow manage to construct exactly the same relationship with me.  The only common link here is ME, and I realized years after the fact that I was writing the “my boss doesn’t appreciate me” story myself. Once the story was in place, all it took was for a new boss to enter the stage and, presto, the button was pushed. Repeatedly.

I stopped writing that story recently.  Just stopped.  Realized that whatever else might be going on with me and my boss, being unappreciated doesn’t have anything to do with it. That was my idea, and it’s a bad idea, so I’ve substituted a different story: “my boss DOES appreciate my work, just like she appreciates most of the other 400 staff members that work here, but like me, she’s focused on getting the job done, taking care of her family, getting to her doctor’s appointment for the condition that no one else at work knows about, sometimes forgets to write thank you notes and yes, generally feels so close to this team that she sometimes takes other people for granted…just like I do.”

And just that fast, the “I’m unappreciated” button seems to have disappeared from the panel. One by one, I’m disconnecting the wires, so all I’ve got is these old buttons that don’t light up, don’t make any noise, and don’t distract me from what’s actually going on.

The more “clear” I get, the less I react to the feelings of others about me. I’m beginning to understand that their feelings are about them and their experience of this life, just as my feelings are about me and come from my experience. The more clear I get, the more I understand that we are so interconnected that no effort on my part is needed to establish connection; all I have to do is be in it, acknowledge it, participate. It’s already there. No effort on my part is required to prove goodness; I share in the goodness of all that is, the beauty of all that exists, and I am part of it.

Connect your last half dozen bosses, or girlfriends, or interactions with your parents, or next door neighbors; connect any set of dots you like, and see if there are any strange common connections in those experiences.  For me, it was surprisingly easy to stop one story and start another. Especially one I like better. I wish I’d done it sooner.  But, I suppose, as is generally the case on the spiritual path, the timing was just perfect.

Safe journeys, brothers.

Have thoughts you’d like to share?

Touch Practice is a sacred practice for me, and part of that is keeping confidences sacred. While a name and e-mail address are required to post a comment, feel free to use just your first name, or a pseudonym if you wish. Your e-mail address will never be seen by or shared with anyone. It is used to prevent spam and inappropriate comments from appearing in the blog. I’d really like to hear from you!

  1. Barry
    Barry09-18-2011

    Kevin-
    thanks – as always – another insightful and beautifully written piece! I love the idea of re-writing those stories and re-membering those relationships by understanding that we share the same goodness with all people and creation and also don’t need to be subject to or reliant on other’s opinions to know our own goodness. It’s always helpful to hear another way of understanding that and becoming aware of another way we sometimes block ourselves. I am so grateful for your journey and your willingness to share it with us!! Now, all you need to do is figure out how to string those unlit buttons together into some fabulous decorative piece of art!!
    peace, my brother!

    • Kevin Smith
      Kevin Smith09-18-2011

      Thanks Barry. You know the Staples “Easy” buttons? I think if I were to string mine up, they would probably read “Not Easy” but at least they’re not lighting up all the time any more. Take care, see you soon.

  2. Jeff
    Jeff09-18-2011

    Kevin,

    Hey stop pushing my buttons!!! This is all so correct, when we shine the light on the situation how is it that these people have such power, why did I give it to them?
    Changing the story is a great example, shinning the light on our own behavior, seeing others for what they are.
    In Conversation with God Bk 1 “God” ask us to “look to see what you are being, doing, and having in any given moment, not what’s going on with another.
    It is not in the action of another, but in your re-action, that your salvation will be found.”
    He goes on to state that in is only through relationships that we can grow and change.
    I thank you for reminding me. for too often and to long I pull away because I feel pushed or unnoticed or whatever ego needs to have its way…

    Jeff

    • Kevin Smith
      Kevin Smith09-18-2011

      Hi Jeff, thanks for this great comment. I was struck this week, reflecting from the Christian roots/beginnings of my spiritual time in this life, that Jesus said, “resist not evil.” What an astounding teaching. What would our response to September 11th have been, for example, if as a nation we had said, “ok, in our reaction to this, we’re going to take care not to resist evil?” I don’t believe the teaching implies, “do nothing.” Rather, I’m deducing from my experience that it suggests that whatever we do should not merely be a reaction to what others have done (because, ironically, it is in the resistance to evil that we become evil ourselves; it is in reacting to an angry person that I become another angry person; it is in reacting to pettiness that I am at risk of becoming petty.) The courage to truly be authentic, “me” in any situation, stems from my ability to find my own actions, not simply by acting the polar opposite or mirror image of the person I’m interacting with. Tough stuff to get my head around, but my body and life practice tells me it’s true.

  3. Tony
    Tony09-19-2011

    Thanks Kevin. This post got me thinking lots about all the ways my button(s) get pushed. What came to mind is what to do before I get triggered. The button gets pushed when I’ve spun expectations ahead of time. This is a habit of thinking on my part – when I assume I’m owed something, or want to be taken care of without having to ask for it. The antidote is usually contemplating my expectations and keeping them conscious; especially the irrational ones – like the ones where I expect someone to be a mindreader. Thanks for getting my wheels spinning.

    • Kevin Smith
      Kevin Smith09-20-2011

      Tony, thanks for the comment. This spinning of expectations you describe is what I experience as “writing the story,” it’s the way I set the button up. In my case, I wrote the “no one appreciates how hard I’m trying” story and it sets up a kind of anticipatory grief, where I’m so ready to experience loss that it’s inevitable; people play right into the story I’ve set up for them.

      There are all kinds of interesting stories for me, like, “I expect to be treated fairly.” I’ve stopped writing that story too, even though it’s a very reasonable one, because what I expect now is to be treated the way the person I’m interacting with treats people. If the person values fairness, they might treat me fairly. If they don’t, they may not. Not all people behave the same way or share the same values, so I expect to encounter a really wide variety of behavior when I interact people.

      It helps me to be more present with what’s actually happening right now with someone, less focused on the future (my expectations of what will happen) or the past (my resentments about how it went, vs. how I WANTED for it to go….) All very interesting stuff, and productive, for me, because the more I take responsibility for whether I’m happy or not, the happier I get.

  4. Chris from Lancaster
    Chris from Lancaster05-14-2013

    Ack! I come across this piece the day after receiving a letter from my boss’s boss about applying for a promotion (disclaimer: not necessarily a compliment; rather, an auto-generated solicitation based on years of service). “But my boss doesn’t appreciate me!” I say – “indeed, no boss (save one) ever has.” “But I’ll never get it because the deck is stacked against me!” I protest – “just like at the other jobs.” “Why bother if they don’t understand me or appreciate what I’m doing?” I lament – “yet again, misunderstood – by fools!”

    Please don’t tell me it’s time to let all that go – truth be told, I’ve become quite fond of that trope.

    So, then … time to find a new love …